Detox Diaries, Part 2

Thursday, January 7th I hate everyone. Not sure why. Well, I know why. Lack of carbs. I met a friend for dinner who was running late and I just about lost my shit on them. I was hangry. You can't blame me. We went to Pacific Catch and I ordered a Japanese Wasabi Bowl with Hawaiian Poke. Poke has soy sauce in it right? Soy is a legume. I can't eat that. Can I? #soytheredontcare

Friday, January 8th is the day I like to refer to as "the day of doom." I had coordinated a small surprise happy hour to celebrate Bianna's birthday several weeks ago. It was my job to get Bianna to the bar so I was mildly stressing about it all day. How was I supposed to get her to bar when we're not supposed to drink? I was put at ease when, at lunch, our chicken was doused in peanut sauce. Bianna looks at Ali and I and says, "Meh, I'm eating it. It's free," as she shook the cutlet free of the peanut poison. Later that day, I asked Bianna if she secretly wanted to sneak away from work and get ONE glass of wine. You know, for old time's sake. "Sure," she tells me. Well, shit. That was easy. No wonder we are work BFFs. After eagerly pacing behind her for several minutes, I get her to Mar's Bar where she is greeted by several other colleagues, including Ali and Robin. Seeing as how it was Bianna's birthday, and I promised one drink, I took a look at the menu. Before I could say "chardonnay," Robin tells the server, "I'll have a dirty Ketel martini, two olives." She looks at Bianna and I and whispers, "Less calories right?" Bianna and I nod in agreement. Make that three. I won't bore you with all of the details of the night, but I will say that several martinis and shots of Fireball later, we decided enough was enough. We all got ourselves home safely albeit, Bianna had to call an Uber for her 5 block commute.We were in rare form.

Saturday, January 9th was DEATH. Pure and utter death. The kind of hangover where you swear off alcohol for life. I needed some sustenance so naturally I ordered a Nutella crepe and fresh squeezed OJ from Sprig. Godsend. It was helpful. Around 4pm when I was feeling somewhat human again, I decided I probably needed more food so I went to my fridge for some leftover zesty chicken bites. Upon further investigation, Drunk Carrie must have had a delicious midnight snack because there were 3 tiny bites left. That bitch.

Sunday, January 10th I went on a walk with Robin. She was feeling better as well. Turns out Drunk Robin likes mac and cheese. We all have our thing. We walked to the mall and then I headed home. Round trip my walk was 10.5 miles. Go me.

Monday, January 11th I woke up per usual and headed to work. When lunch rolls around I'm not hungry. Shit. I must be getting sick. I'm never not hungry. After work the detox crew heads to Ali's house where she fills our bellies with detox friendly food and we watch The Bachelor and drank mocktails. Real crazy night. Turns out we are just as judgey about the girls on the Bachelor sober as we are buzzed drinking wine. A new development not shocking to any of us.

Tuesday, January 12th I'm officially sick. Eff. Lunch with Kendall and Annie. Laughed a lot. Didn't eat pita and hummus. Sad face. Home. Theraflu. Sleep.

Wednesday, January 13th is a work from home day. AWESOME. I have a Google Hangout phone interview so I peel myself out of bed and put on a minimal amount of make up on my face so as to not scare away our candidate. But alas, she is a no show. I hate people. More work. Warriors lose. Boo. They better win tomorrow because I'll be there. Probably eating the only salad sold in the arena. Said salad probably also comes with Ranch dressing. And legumes...

And so the saga continues.

Detox Diaries, Part 1

When one of your best friends, Ali, kicks breast cancer's ass and wants to do a detox after she's done with chemo and radiation, you automatically say, "Hell yeah! Let's rock this bitch!"

She gives you the detox outline in mid-December and you're like, "Hey yo... what the fuck is a legume?" And she tells you and you're like, "Oh yeah, ok." But in your mind you're still like, "Eff this might be hard because I'm so dumb and I still don't even know what a legume is." But it's not that hard... mostly. I'm on day 5 and I haven't killed anyone. Go me. 

We started said detox on January 2nd. No one starts on January 1st because #newyears #hangover #breakfastburritos. First stop that day was Fleet Feet. Ali, myself, and two-time breast cancer survivor/bad-ass Robin wanted to get some new kicks so we can start walking the city to train for the Avon 39 walk this upcoming July. The dude that helped me was a total babe (holler at me Ben!) so I walked away with a pair of shoes, insoles and socks. Success. Later that day I went to Ali's house and she taught me how to make vegetable broth. And when I say she taught me, I mean I sat around and watched her make it while keeping her company with riveting conversation; i.e. if she knew Teen Mom OG was starting this week and discussing the first few episodes of Making a Murderer. She made us detox-friendly Tom Kha soup for lunch because she's Ali and a total whiz in the kitchen. I'm not sure why she hasn't caught on that I clearly bring nothing culinary to the table in this friendship. But that's neither here nor there. She sent me on my way with three quartz of veg broth and I didn't ask questions. 

Sunday, January 3rd I went to brunch. If you've ever been to brunch in SF you know "brunch" entails a stack of blueberry pancakes and bottomless mimosas. Alas, I am tasked with my first detox obstacle (hereafter referred to as detoxtacle). Dafuq am I gonna eat?! After going into two different restaurants, I settled in at Perry's. They have a veggie omelet. Cool. I order, sans toast, along with a water and the waitress looks at me weird. "I started a January detox," I casually tell her. "Ohhhh. Ok, that makes sense. I was gonna tell you to order a side of bacon or something." I wanted to punch her in the throat. But I didn't. And I left a nice tip because I'm a decent human being. After brunch I head to my local market to pick up some staples for the coming week's food prep. It only took me six hours, but I made some mini turkey meatloaves, homemade pesto, lemon chicken with asparagus and a side salad. Before you get all, "Carrie! You said you can't cook! That sounds amazing!" I must tell you that I basically just copied everything Ali was food prepping that same day. I still suck. 

Monday, January 4th was the first day back to work and my work buddy Bianna's birthday. Bianna is also doing the detox with us and I friggin' knew people were going to bring her cake but EFF why do people have to actually like her and bring her 17 cakes and wave them in my face and they smelled so good and sugar and carbs and GIVE ME! But I stayed strong. I may have been a creep and smelled Bianna's cake and asked her to describe the taste to me but I stayed strong damn it! 

Tuesday, January 5th. Bianna and I shared a compelling snack of a single chopped-up apple accompanied by a handful of almonds. We are so lame. I got home that evening and my cat attacked me upward of seven times. She's never done that before. I blame the detox. It's going to be a long month. 

Today, Wednesday, January 5th Ali brought me a cold brew coffee almond milk from her local juice shop because she's a friggin' angel sent from detox heaven. We are fortunate to have our lunches catered so we scooted down to the kitchen at 12:01pm to avoid the hangry's and to scope out what was on the menu. Only acceptable items were bok choy, lettuce, and raw veg. Fuck. Debbie Downer over here (me) was like, "Wah wah I'm gonna starve to death! This is the worst! I hate my life! Ali let's just order a pizza!" And she was like, "Calm the fuck down! We can make a salad and add some avocado and use olive oil and balsamic for dressing and everything is right in the world again." And I was like, "Ok yeah fine." And so we ate. And it was good. She wins. Another detox buddy from work, my homegirl Kathleen, pings me on IM mid-day. We talk about how green beans are legumes. Mind blown. And how she wants sweet potato fries. I tell her sweet potatoes are ok on the detox and she tells me she wants Gott's sweet potato fries drenched in oil and a side of fro yo and a croissant and all the refined sugars in this world. She's handling the detox well. She also shared a recipe earlier in the week about some zesty chicken bites. They looked good and I had all of the ingredients at home and YOLO so I made them tonight. Holy shitballs, they were good! Thanks girl. I danced around my kitchen listening to Lauryn Hill popping the delicious brown nuggets in my mouth in sweet ecstasy.

Did I mention there is no alcohol during this detox? My birthday this year is January 24th so I will not be partaking in the entire month's detox festivities. I'm going to do brunch to celebrate on the 23rd (blueberry pancakes, bottomless mimosas, legumes and all) and I think that might be a solid run. 19 days and counting of the detoxtacle. I'm sure there I'll have plenty more of debauchery to share with the blogosphere. Stay tuned.