When one of your best friends, Ali, kicks breast cancer's ass and wants to do a detox after she's done with chemo and radiation, you automatically say, "Hell yeah! Let's rock this bitch!"
She gives you the detox outline in mid-December and you're like, "Hey yo... what the fuck is a legume?" And she tells you and you're like, "Oh yeah, ok." But in your mind you're still like, "Eff this might be hard because I'm so dumb and I still don't even know what a legume is." But it's not that hard... mostly. I'm on day 5 and I haven't killed anyone. Go me.
We started said detox on January 2nd. No one starts on January 1st because #newyears #hangover #breakfastburritos. First stop that day was Fleet Feet. Ali, myself, and two-time breast cancer survivor/bad-ass Robin wanted to get some new kicks so we can start walking the city to train for the Avon 39 walk this upcoming July. The dude that helped me was a total babe (holler at me Ben!) so I walked away with a pair of shoes, insoles and socks. Success. Later that day I went to Ali's house and she taught me how to make vegetable broth. And when I say she taught me, I mean I sat around and watched her make it while keeping her company with riveting conversation; i.e. if she knew Teen Mom OG was starting this week and discussing the first few episodes of Making a Murderer. She made us detox-friendly Tom Kha soup for lunch because she's Ali and a total whiz in the kitchen. I'm not sure why she hasn't caught on that I clearly bring nothing culinary to the table in this friendship. But that's neither here nor there. She sent me on my way with three quartz of veg broth and I didn't ask questions.
Sunday, January 3rd I went to brunch. If you've ever been to brunch in SF you know "brunch" entails a stack of blueberry pancakes and bottomless mimosas. Alas, I am tasked with my first detox obstacle (hereafter referred to as detoxtacle). Dafuq am I gonna eat?! After going into two different restaurants, I settled in at Perry's. They have a veggie omelet. Cool. I order, sans toast, along with a water and the waitress looks at me weird. "I started a January detox," I casually tell her. "Ohhhh. Ok, that makes sense. I was gonna tell you to order a side of bacon or something." I wanted to punch her in the throat. But I didn't. And I left a nice tip because I'm a decent human being. After brunch I head to my local market to pick up some staples for the coming week's food prep. It only took me six hours, but I made some mini turkey meatloaves, homemade pesto, lemon chicken with asparagus and a side salad. Before you get all, "Carrie! You said you can't cook! That sounds amazing!" I must tell you that I basically just copied everything Ali was food prepping that same day. I still suck.
Monday, January 4th was the first day back to work and my work buddy Bianna's birthday. Bianna is also doing the detox with us and I friggin' knew people were going to bring her cake but EFF why do people have to actually like her and bring her 17 cakes and wave them in my face and they smelled so good and sugar and carbs and GIVE ME! But I stayed strong. I may have been a creep and smelled Bianna's cake and asked her to describe the taste to me but I stayed strong damn it!
Tuesday, January 5th. Bianna and I shared a compelling snack of a single chopped-up apple accompanied by a handful of almonds. We are so lame. I got home that evening and my cat attacked me upward of seven times. She's never done that before. I blame the detox. It's going to be a long month.
Today, Wednesday, January 5th Ali brought me a cold brew coffee almond milk from her local juice shop because she's a friggin' angel sent from detox heaven. We are fortunate to have our lunches catered so we scooted down to the kitchen at 12:01pm to avoid the hangry's and to scope out what was on the menu. Only acceptable items were bok choy, lettuce, and raw veg. Fuck. Debbie Downer over here (me) was like, "Wah wah I'm gonna starve to death! This is the worst! I hate my life! Ali let's just order a pizza!" And she was like, "Calm the fuck down! We can make a salad and add some avocado and use olive oil and balsamic for dressing and everything is right in the world again." And I was like, "Ok yeah fine." And so we ate. And it was good. She wins. Another detox buddy from work, my homegirl Kathleen, pings me on IM mid-day. We talk about how green beans are legumes. Mind blown. And how she wants sweet potato fries. I tell her sweet potatoes are ok on the detox and she tells me she wants Gott's sweet potato fries drenched in oil and a side of fro yo and a croissant and all the refined sugars in this world. She's handling the detox well. She also shared a recipe earlier in the week about some zesty chicken bites. They looked good and I had all of the ingredients at home and YOLO so I made them tonight. Holy shitballs, they were good! Thanks girl. I danced around my kitchen listening to Lauryn Hill popping the delicious brown nuggets in my mouth in sweet ecstasy.
Did I mention there is no alcohol during this detox? My birthday this year is January 24th so I will not be partaking in the entire month's detox festivities. I'm going to do brunch to celebrate on the 23rd (blueberry pancakes, bottomless mimosas, legumes and all) and I think that might be a solid run. 19 days and counting of the detoxtacle. I'm sure there I'll have plenty more of debauchery to share with the blogosphere. Stay tuned.
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