I wake up. Nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes I have to pee in the middle of the night. Nothing new. As I'm about to get up, I hear something outside. I freeze. Wait 20 seconds. Nothing. I sit up. A bang. Shit. Someone is on the side of my building. Panic. Wait another 20 seconds. Hold breath. Just shuffles. Is someone trying to break into my garage? Is my car alarm on? Does a thief give a shit about my 2002 Honda Civic? What if they steal the BMW next to me? It'll be a lot easier to get out of my parking spot the next few days... I get up. Slowly and carefully I peel back a curtain and with just centimeters, bend back my blinds. I see nothing. My window is at an angle where I can't see down the building alley. Rats! It's quiet for a few minutes. I tip toe to the bathroom. Still need to pee. Done. Tip toe back to bed. I reach for my cell to call 911. Crunch. The familiar sound of a crushing plastic 2-liter soda bottle. Another crack. The smashing of a beer can. All very familiar sounds to me. It's a homeless guy. Or is it a little Asian lady? Either way, if you're not trying to steal my car, I don't give a shit. Sleep.
Thursday, August 16, 2012. 4:39am:
Bang. 2-liter hits the floor and rolls. Ugh. Homeless guy/Asian lady again?? Last night was cute but tonight you're just being annoying. More cans crush. More bottles crunch. Toss. Turn. Sleep.
Thursday, August 16, 2012. 3:35pm:
Texts to/from my building manager...
Carrie: Hi Jessica. Today was the second night in a row that I have woken up at 4:30am to someone on the side of our building digging through the garbage for bottles and cans. Is there a lock on the gate that we can make sure is secure tonight? Thanks.
Jessica: Oh no! There is already a lock on the gate. I wonder if it's someone in our building? I'll send an e-mail out. Thanks for letting me know.
Thursday, August 16, 2012. 5:38pm:
E-mail received from Jessica. To entire building.
Subject of email: Trash Bandit
Good Afternoon Neighbors,
It has been brought to my attention that there has been a "bandit" rummaging through the trash late at night and waking up several people in the building. Although this is not illegal, it is quite disturbing to fellow neighbors as they sleep in several ways. If anyone has any information on who this may be, please kindly ask them to extend a courtesy to thier neighbors and refrain from rummaging through the trash. I will also be reviewing the door to the alley to ensure that the locks are in proper working order to deter any outsiders from gaining access as well.
Jessica
Friday, August 17, 2012: 12:02am:
Clanking of glass. Wrestling of trash. Ahh! Thief/homeless guy/Asian lady/neighbor is back! Grab phone. Text.
Carrie: Our thief is back! I hear them!
Jessica: I'm on it! I'll look out my window now.
Sit up. Single eye brow raised. Perched lips. Fingers drumming together. You've been caught. Drop our cans and hit the road, Jack. Beep. Text received.
Jessica: It's a family of raccoons!
I'm an asshole.
Carrie: Oh... hahahaha. Well, mystery solved. (awkward)
Jessica: Yeah there were about 8 of them. Even a bunch of babies.
A big asshole.
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