I think I came out of the womb a woman scorned. Growing up listening to artists like Shania Twain and Wynona Judd, how could I not? But it wasn't until a few years back that I realized how bad my man-hating had gotten... until one fine spring day on my drive back up to Chico.
I'd been home for the weekend and my little sister burned me Carrie Underwood's new (first) album. Typically on road trips I like to pop in something I can sing along to, but this particular day I was feeling a little crazy. I figured "might as well" and popped ol' Carrie into my 1992 Saturn coup's top-of-the-line CD player. *Note: My Saturn had dent resistant doors. My friends loved to point that out. The CD gets rolling and I start to dig it. That Jesus song comes on and I belt it like I'm a choir member in the Baptist church. Great jam so I keep the party going.
Pretty soon I'm cruising down the 5 and I start listening to the lyrics of this particular song. Sounds interesting so I start the song over. "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat. I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats." Pardon my French but... Fuck. Yeah. This was the ticket. I listened to the song for the rest of the drive and was immediately obsessed. When I got home I called my cousin and told her she needed to listen to the song. She is a woman of my own heart so she, no doubt, would love it as well. She is also the person who called me after a CMA Awards and told me that Miranda Lambert's "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" reminded her of me. But that's neither here nor there.
I had a boyfriend at the time and he drove a truck so when we scooted around town, I mostly drove to be more economical. He liked country music so when I went to visit him one day, I made a point to make him listen to my new favorite tune. We're halfway through the song when he turns the volume way down and looks at me. I was at a red light so I look back at him with a "what-the-hell-never-touch-a-black-man's-radio" a-la Chris Tucker look on my face. His expression concerned me. Before I could speak he says, "I need you to not listen to this song." OK, not happening. "Why?" I ask. "I don't know. I just feel like if we ever break up you might do this to my truck." Any other person/couple would have keeled over muttering "oh you!" with a friendly chuckle. Not us. We just both kind of smiled awkwardly knowing that it was kind of a joke but not really because, let's be honest, it may be true.
Long story short, it didn't work out.
Not long after"Before He Cheats" became a huge success, other artists like Miranda Lambert and Taylor Swift began releasing songs that made normal woman (like me) realize they aren't completely insane for thinking that MAYBE it would be nice to key a jerks car if he cheated on me. Or I'd POSSIBLY want to go home, load my shotgun, wait by the door and light a cigarette. Fellas, I'm here to tell you right here and right now: I don't care how cool your girlfriend/wife is, she's thought about these things before. But have no fear... it doesn't make her crazy. What makes her crazy is if she actually acts on it. And if she does carve her name into your leather seat, call the cops because that bitch be crazy.
I find solitude in knowing that there are other jaded women out there. I don't think I'll ever stop singing these songs in the shower or screaming them while driving down the freeway like Danika Patrick. Lord help the sucker who ends up marrying me. In the not-so famous words of this Carrie circa 2004, "Fuck yeah, Carrie Underwood. Fuck yeah." Hell hath no fury.
*No pick-up trucks or men were hurt during the writing of this blog.
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